Things Im into right now...

i am a sucker for architect and cool shit

i am also a big fan of people messing with other people and making them uncomfortable

i am also into facebook but there isnt a link here because i'm not allowed to be on it

Seriously... Amazing.

Sorry Xander but this is so you this Halloween:

Is it wrong if...

... I dig a Reeses Cup out of the trash and eat it?

I contemplated this for a while, until it dawned on me that me staring into my garbage can was crazy looking enough, I didnt need to start digging things out of it to start eating as well.

Although, quickly eating out of the trash would have looked way more sane than I did trying to take pictures of the inside of my garbage can for 10 minutes, sighing heavily when I realized after a dozen tries that the camera on my phone was broken...

So I took it in for Technical Support:
Me: "Hi, I know you guys deal mostly with computers, but can you take a look at my phone, I think its broken"
IT: (noticing that the phone wasn't actually broken broken)"Well, it looks fine to me"
Me: "No no, I mean the camera on it is broken and I need it to work right now"
IT: "Why do you need your camera working at work?"
Me: "Oh, I need to take a picture of the inside of my trash can and its not letting me"
IT: (puzzled and slightly mortified)"ummmm... you can always try restarting it??"

And whadda ya know... It worked!

How to ruin your day in under 6 minutes...

7:03am Woke up to Xander licking the side of my face and sticking his whole nose in my ear...
7:05am Walked downstairs to put Xander out and stepped on one of his balls (his toy tennis ball, just to be clear)...
7:05am Almost fell to my death, but caught myself due to my wicked balancing skills (good thing I went to yoga on Monday)...
7:06am Went to the fridge for water...
7:06am Totally misjudged the location of my mouth and poured ice cold H2O all down my shirt…
7:06am Sat down glass on the counter in shock…
7:06am Totally misjudged my own brute strength and shattered glass all over the counter…
7:07am Tried to clean glass and water off the counter with tissues (it didn't work out and I ran out of tissues, double whammy)...
7:08am Still tried to drink some of the water left in the bottom of the glass...
7:08am Swallowed glass shard…
7:09am I already hate my day.

To the Bitch Who Stole My Shoes...

I hate you, but looky (or is it lookie) at what came in the mail today!! Believe it or not this is the third time these shoes have been purchased in 2 years.The first time I loved them so much I wore the damn things out and had to throw them away:( but then SURPRISE, guess who gets them for their birthday from her AMAZING boyfriend last year (he just knew how much I loved them :)) THEN, THEN while in Pittsburgh at a friends house we were tailgating for a Steelers game and some bitch had the nerve to steal them from me- SOMEONE ACTUALLY STOLE MY DAMN SHOES, who does that?!? It felt like a Sex and the City episode . So...

Third times a charm...
... is what people say when the first two times didn't work out as expected.


Simply beautiful:)

The Worst News Since Jessica and Nick

One of my most favoritest Hollywood couples.

Team Lorraine

Day 13 of no meat and surprisingly I am fine with it- unless I get really hungry. If I let myself get to the point where I am in starvation mode (FYI: starvation mode to me is about 2 hours after the last time I’ve eaten—I know, I would never last in a third world country) Anyways, when I am STARVING I am tempted to eat straight out of the butcher’s section at Von’s. As a matter of fact, I finally had my first dream about meat 2 nights ago (trust me, sounds weird, but if dreaming is the only way I can have meat this month… I’ll take whatever I can get) So anyways, I’m having this dream, where you know you are at your house but really it’s like something drawn out of a Tim Burton film (well that’s how it is in my dreams anyways) So I am hiding in the corner of my Burton style room eating raw ground beef with my hands, just shoveling it in my mouth… Then I look down and its no longer ground beef, it’s that pink looking ice cream crap that’s mechanically processed chicken (see pic from last post). That’s when I woke up sick to my stomach. Surprisingly I was ok eating the raw ground beef, but the raw poop chicken just threw me over the edge. I will probably never eat another chicken nugget again. But I am looking very forward to my next burger.

Enough about meat, let’s talk Facebook… 12 days and no Facebook, except one account where I uploaded a picture directly from my phone (no login required because my phone is automatically linked up to basically everything, it’s probably linked up to all your stuff too, it’s THAT involved) Anyways, so I took a picture and then I pushed the upload pic button (thats on my camera home screen) and it went to Facebook (I know, its like magic). Never did I see the post or a login screen or that pretty blue framed webpage, I just wanted to show off the awesome harvest moon flowers Jamie sent to me at work. Well, my sister says this is cheating. So I have to confess that I may have cheated on the no Facebook for 31 days thing. Although, I’ll let you be the judge since the whole reason I am “cleansing” from Facebook is because I do not want to know what’s going on in everyone’s life at every given moment (Ok, I DO want to know, that’s the whole reason for the cleanse, but point is, I haven’t looked at a single status update or photo album for 12 days now ). Hell, I have probably missed hundreds (possibly thousands) of party’s simply because I have no idea what “events” are even taking place. So, to me, I have not cheated (yet) If you agree with me, there are “Team Lorraine” tee-shirts for sale(they come in size newborn to 3T (because I do not know anyone over the age of 3 that would actually wear a tee shirt with my name on it by choice)… If you agree with my sister, well, you don’t get anything.

Love Dad.... Text version.

This is all over TEXT people: (BTW: This is Version II of the last love u... Dad post- if you have not read it, read it first)

Me to Dad: "How come you no answer email?? (I said that in my best Asian accent so you could understand it)"

**I sent him an email about my visit home in November, after a few weeks, I still heard nothing in return

Dad to Me: "No no time"

(ouch, he must really not have any time)

Me to Dad: "You dont have time to check my emails!! Are you running WVU now? Well anyways, I bought a flight home for Nov 11th. Jamie and I. Fyi"

Dad to Me (never forget to add in your best Asian accent when reading his replies): "Lorraine,
Glad u and Jamie are coming for Homecoming (*we are not btw, Homecoming is in Oct) I told mom and she is looking forward to see both u. I am sorry for not replying ur email. I was busy and then forgotten about you. Senior moments. looking forward to seeing both of u. I will see about Steeler game tickets. Will talk to you about Christmas when u here.
Love u....... Dad. U supposed to call mom??"


That's verbatim. And if you ask me, thats a lot like an email.



Completely unrelated but this is what chicken nuggets look like right before they are chicken nuggets: Eat up, this is no PinkBerry!

The reason I keep my Boyfriend

Email I received with an attached illustration from Jamie after I asked him to please take the car and fill it up with gas:

"I'll explain the illustration. I was waiting to turn into the Valero (legally) in the middle turning lane. Crazy guy in suped up mustang black and yellow GT car comes screeching right in front of me, veers out into wrong way lanes then screeches tires speeding back down the turning lane to go back in the right lanes.

Crazy.

And gas was like 3.25! I only put in two gallons, I'll do the rest elsewhere, that shit is ridiculous."



Yeah baby, that shit IS ridiculous... Now I am already almost out of gas, jerk.

Hand in Hand

Gods Sign

Jamie decided to cook us dinner last night, day 6 of no meat… As I waited for our meatless delight our book shelf (which I must point out Jamie hung) decided to unhinge itself from the wall and come crashing down on my head. First the shelf itsself hit me, then book 1, then book 2, then book 3, then book 4, then the picture frame and lastly the candle holder (which come to find out weighs about 45 lbs). You would be surprised at the lack of reaction time you have to dodge out of harms way when you are being pelted by countless books (four) and picture frames (one). Jamie thinks that this incident means that I shouldn’t have so many heavy things on the shelf. Personally, I think its Gods way of telling me to eat some damn meat already... Just makes way more sense.


This is EXACTLY what it looked like: (except imagine me underneath being pelted with these books and also imagine a candle holder and a picture frame, oh, and also imagine the shelf being above a couch in my living room)














Day 6:

Breakfast- McDonalds Cheese and Biscuit Biscuit
Lunch- Really spicy Veggie Curry with rice and 2 cookies
Dinner- Cheese Mashed Potatoes, Corn and Veggie Burgers, extra lettuce (gotta get my greens in!)
Snack- Veggie Corn Dog

Day 7:
Breakfast- Fake Sausage Pattie w/ cheese and toasted wheat muffin
Lunch- Rubios Cheese Enchiladas with Beans and more Beans

Xander Crews and his Xtacle Cowbell

Introducing to you our newest addition: Awesome X aka Xander Crews aka Barnaby Jones aka Xanderby. (he has many aliases)

Also introducing to you, the infamous Cowbell. I don’t care what anyone says, having these two around is like having twin new born babies… I dont sleep anymore, I haven't had a hot meal in months and I stopped showering altogether (the latter may have just been a person choice). I may change my tone when I actually have babies, but right now I stand my ground when I say these little bastards are a handful.

(But SO totally worth it)

She got wet, so naturally I had to dryer:










This is the look she gave me as I was trying to rescue her from an electrifying death: (Cowbell leads a dangerous life)










Locking Xander in the bathroom was not our brightest idea.












Our little Steelers fan!! Poor Raffie, his mane doesnt stand a chance.











His seat in the car. Also note Jamie is in this picture, I would tag him but this isnt Facebook, he also is included in this post as part of the statement "these little bastards are a handful" ;-)

How Lois Griffin Says Peter on Family Guy.

So it is day 4.9 of my new found vegetarianism. The irony is, I have yet to eat any vegetables… I have had cheese bread, fried cheese, cheese balls, a bowl of cheese and cheese dipped in more cheese. I never thought there would be the day where I was actually sick of cheese. But today is that day.

Also, being a vegetarian is expensive, holy shit it’s expensive. Is it really difficult to press soy into shapes of what real meat looks like? It must be, because my fillets were cheaper than this crap! I will say this though, Morning Star Sausage Patties is where it’s at. I started eating them years ago and I will never go back to real sausage. Fake sausage is the new real sausage.

So, I joined the PETA’s website, mainly so that I could get a good grasp on where they are coming from in terms of “saving the animals” and to get cool new veggie recipes… Well, lesson learned: DO NOT SIGN UP unless you are really prepared to know wtf is going on in our animal killing industry. I woke up to check the time around 4am this morning and had an email notification “ARMY PLANS TO CUT UP AND KILL ANIMALS” How can I NOT read on... So as my little Xander is laying next to me I start to think about the army cutting him up to pieces for training purposes and now Im just pissed and can't sleep... Naturally at this point I may as well read on and, I won’t go into detail but I am about to adopt a shit ton (literally) of elephants. Sorry Jamie, it’s just the right thing to do.

Anyways now to the shit I ate today:

10/2- Day 3
Breakfast- Cheese Pizza
Lunch- Indian Curry with Tofu and Naan
Dinner- 2 Pizza Burgers, toasted wheat muffin with cheese, fake tomato and basil “patties” and pizza sauce. Super yummy btw!

10/3- Day 4
Breakfast- Fake Sausage Pattie w/ cheese and toasted wheat muffin
Lunch- Cheese Quesadilla w/ sour cream and guac.
Dinner- Persian Cucumbers, Caprese Salad w/ Fresh Mozzarella, Avocado and Tomatoes. Tomato Basil Bisque with French Baguettes stuffed with low fat Mozzarella! (best meal yet, hands down!)

10/4- Day 5
Breakfast- Fake Sausage Pattie w/ cheese and toasted wheat muffin :)

A burger hold the burger please!

For my amusement (obviously not for yours) I am going to keep a record of my daily meatless intake:

9/31- Day 1 (but not really supposed to be Day 1):

Breakfast- 1 bite of a Turkey Sandwich… (took turkey off and just ate the bread)
Lunch- Spicy Avocado and Cheddar Sandwich
Dinner- Cheese and Mushroom Pizza (who said vegetarians had to be healthy!)
Dinner (2)- Spicy Avocado and Cheddar Sandwich

10/1- Day2 (the real Day 1):

Breakfast- Ikea scrambled eggs with potatoes, I gave away the scrumptious looking sausage :( (I am still up in the air about eggs; to eat eggs or not to eat eggs? That is the question)
Lunch- Subway veggie delight (or whatever you call it, I call it bread with lettuce).
Dinner- Cheese Pizza (this is starting to get boring and as my cousin would say "carb overload"!) So I am going to grocery shopping tomorrow to get some heathy stuff to consume.

**UPDATE 10/12/2010--- This eating diary thing did not last long.

Here is your brain on drugs (and possibly your brain on eggs):

Free Range

So I decided to take the long journey of becoming meat free during the month of October. This should be interesting considering how much I love my meat… I mean, it’s a past time (my father used to hang raw deer in the garage to make deer jerky for goodness sakes! and I was into it), a present time and I thought it was going to be a future time as well. And it very well may be, but for the whole month of October I am going to be meat free, Facebook free and partially alcohol free (I mean, its football season, let’s be realistic).

I had to start blogging again because I have no idea what to do with all the free time I am going to have without the 300+ status updates per hour I get on Facebook or the 10+ minutes a day I spend “liking” someone’s comment or photo album OR you would be surprised how much time I spend eating meat.

Plus finally I’ll give my poor boyfriend a rest on my Facebook envy, that’s what I call it at least… It’s when you want to do/ have everything everyone else is doing/having. It could be anything from a vacation in Ibiza to eating Pho for lunch, if someone is updating about it, I want it. Hell, every time someone updates they are having margarita’s, I HAVE TO HAVE a margarita!! And I’m allergic to them…. That’s prime example of Facebook Envy. And like you, Ive never wanted to admit it.

So I was trying to figure out how I was going to get the push I needed to not sneak beef jerky under my desk at work and I finally found the solution: Meet Your Meat
Watch it and weep people… Or at least that’s what I did, mid turkey sandwich in my mouth. (and no, I didn’t finish it- as a matter of fact, I started being vegetarian a whole 24 hours earlier than expected.)

This is going to be a long 31 days…

Reggie, not Bush, Tree

This is our Asian Money Tree, Reggie... We are hoping Reggie will hold up to his given name (Asian Money Tree) and start pumping out some cash flow.
We have had him for one week.

And we have already managed to kill half of him :(

Beside Reggie, we are growing grass (names not given yet) for Cowbell. The grass is not supposed to bring in any income, but we have high hopes.

Salt n Pepper

My first puppy was a white poodle named Dandy, but I renamed her "Salt" when we got a new dog named Pepper. I didnt tell anyone but her.

I wonder if she cared.

Relationships and Shoes

Have you ever noticed how much relationships are like shoes? I never really thought of the comparison either until today when playing “broken record” with a dear friend. (you know the broken record game: person questions break-up (again) and you just repeat what they already know (again) over and over and over, waiting for the day when they actually “get it” and pull the plug) We have all been there, but this time it dawned on me… Relationships are kinda like shoes, either they fit or they do not. If they do not fit you try desperately to “fix” them, you buy insoles and no slip padding, but no matter what you do they never fit just right and in most cases it’s nothing but a temporary fix, so you never know what day they will decide to start slipping again. In some cases you can take an almost perfect shoe and add just a little something to them and POOF, they fit perfectly! It’s kinda like magic if you ask me, and like magic, it’s rare.

In some cases this works for relationships, maybe the relationship just needs a little tweaking to get the fit just right. But take note, it takes two shoes to make a perfect pair.

Whatever the situation, the comparison of relationships and shoes fit together rather nicely (pun intended :). Timing can also be an issue, you can shove a tired pair of shoes in the back of the closet for years and then one day, somehow, you try the shoes on and they fit even better this time around… You have no idea why, but they just do. Sometimes a little break is all you need.

Out of all the shoes you own, I bet you only have one favorite “go-to” pair that fits just right, absolutely perfect (if you have more than 1 pair of perfect shoes, I hate you). Yeah sure, you have lots of shoes that “fit” but never as well as that ONE pair. Same goes for relationships, you may have many relationships or just a few relationships but only one of them will really fit you.

Working out a bad relationship is like shoe shopping. You walk into a store and they have this one fabulous pair of shoes that you just have to have. Everyone around tells you they look great and will "totally go with everything"! But they are one size too small, you try them on again and again in hopes that somehow someway they will just magically fit. No matter what though, they don’t. But you buy them anyway, in “hopes” that you’ll figure it out or that maybe your feet will shrink. You’ll do anything to make the shoes work. But all you do is just regret the purchase, and every time you open the closet door you are reminded of them, there they sit beautifully in idea but miserable in logic.


I hope everyone gets their perfect pair of shoes. And if you already have them, then make sure you take good care of them. Resole them if you have to, polish them, treat them well. Because I don’t know many things better than a perfect pair of shoes.

Back By Not So Popular Demand

Sorry I have been MIA for a few months! Something I realized when you leave a job that makes you want to take a tiny pick axe to your own eye balls for a job that you actually enjoy (as crazy town as this place can be) you tend to have a lot less to bitch about. Or at least less bitching to document, and let’s be honest, that’s all a blog really is, a place for you to bitch as creatively or as non-creatively as you wish. But for the sanity of my very patient boyfriend, I am going to use this blog as my "creative" bitching outlet once again (you can thank me later). Because, let’s face it, I am a woman and women have an infinite number of things to complain about. We are just wired that way, we can dissect a perfectly normal and calm situation and turn it into a chain of thought that ends with you running down the street crying, half naked, wet with Cheetos in your hair. (long story)

Oh yeah, I said boyfriend… Many of you already know, but for those of you that don’t, let me introduce to you Jamie V aka the bastard that signed us up with Time Warner.

The culprit:

Old People and Time Warner

Old people love McDonalds breakfast, and when I say love, I literally think it’s the only thing they are living for at that point. I watched a woman, let’s say she was about 160 years old, count out all her pennies to pay for her coffee yesterday morning. After the senior discount, McDonalds coffee really doesn’t amount to much, so the counting of the pennies part isn’t the bad part. It’s the time it took her to take each penny out of her purse, decide whether it was an actual penny or not and then move at whatever the opposite of the speed of sound is to get the penny to the counter (imagine this 95 pennies later). I really, really just wanted to pay for it myself and get it over with, but the last time I did that for an old person I got yelled at (live and learn). I did ask really loudly “DO YOU GUYS STILL STOP SERVING BREAKFAST AT 10:30!?” (mind you, it was 6:12am, but you never know and I don’t know what this ladies intentions were). Ok, this may have been a little harsh, but my time is valuable (as you may know, I have to leave my place, to go another place, to make money, to pay for the place I just left, so I can store my things at night, so people don’t steal them while I sleep) plus I get really cranky when I don’t eat; so my actions were pretty justified. I think.
Finally, after my immature (yet totally justifiable) temper tantrum, I got served… and then I got my breakfast. *(very few people will get that last statement, but if you did, please see attached form to claim your prize).

I was told yesterday by a wise and talkative man, that if you take care of your body you can live to be about 120... Ummm… No. Thank. You. At 28, I can barely remember where I parked my car, my back hurts and I have migraines, and I can’t drive (this could also be due to the fact that I am half Asian, but that’s not the point here). Anyways, what are you going to do different from 88 yrs old to 120 yrs old? Personally, I get bored easy, I am lucky if I make it through just a regular Wednesday, not alone thousands of Wednesday’s (I am no mathematician, but I am pretty sure thousands of Wednesdays equals 120 years, or so). Don’t get me wrong, I lead relatively exciting life, but you have to REALLY be able to entertain yourself if you are going to live that long, and to be honest, I don’t know if I am up to the challenge.

Also, I hate Time Warner.

And I bet old people hate Time Warner too.


*Prize Claim:

Balls of Fire

You know that unreachable burning ball of fire in the sky?

Well, apparently it is in charge of your entire life; from what I have experienced, studied and surveyed: we are going to keep this whole “time” thing around for a bit.

Speaking of time, I was “late” today (mind you, I got to work at 7:03am). It’s Friday and frankly, I’m effing exhausted. Every morning, including this morning, I am racing against time to get past traffic, traffic lights, bad drivers, and people who apparently get awards for maintaining a speed 10 under the speed limit... I say “late” with quotations because I feel like the term “late” is relative, I mean, who is to say what is and is not considered late. The sun I guess, ultimately that was our original source for time telling. Now, it’s your boss, your parents, the person you are meeting for lunch, the bank, your blind date; all these people have control over whether or not you are technically considered late for something. My boss is very particular about punctuality. Well, punctuality (which, I am surprisingly pretty good at) stresses me out. It really stresses me out, what if I am on my way to work and I suddenly have the urge to pee or order an Egg McMuffin? I am 28 yrs old and I am so concerned about all this abstract time talk that I have to put restrictions on my life choices (and dammit, I love me an Egg McMuffin in the morning). There is such a bad stigma with being late, I should consider suing people who spread the word of my tardiness for defamation of character.

Along the lines of my feelings towards being considered late are my feelings towards what is considered “early”. I think I get up very early, but then I get into work and I’m all like “Good morning, man it’s early!” and they reply “EARLY?! I’ve been up for hours! I’ve already had breakfast, ran 3 miles and took my kids to school!!” (I don’t know what school starts at 6am, but whatever). Then I’m all like “Ok, Mister Judgmental, wtf does that mean to me? Do I owe you an award or something? Because I already gave out 2 awards this morning to the people going 10 under the speed limit, so I'm fresh out of awards buddy! And just because you were up a few hours ago doesn’t mean that this is not MY early time... jerk” but I think that, I don’t say it.

Personally, I think I only obtain complete functionality between the hours of 10am and 2pm anyway. Before 10am I am tired, right in the middle I am hungry, and then right after I am busy regretting my lunch choices (see, if I would have been able to get that Egg McMuffin I wouldn’t have over indulged during my lunch). I should suggest to my boss that I only work those hours, but I don’t think it really works like that (no pun intended).

Anyways, It’s 8:40am on Friday, who knows if this post even makes sense, I know it can’t possibly be funny. My funny hours are between 7:00pm and 7:15pm on Wednesday’s and personally I think I peaked in my mid 20’s.

Either you are or you’re not.

Me vs. Craigslist

OK, maybe not me versus the actual site itself, but the creepy con-artist breeding community that lies in the background; preying on the innocent and feeding off of "Missed Connections" in hopes to be re-connected with “girl in red volkswagon who turned left that one day”. Craigslist has made me skeptical of everything internet. Don’t get me wrong, Craigslist has treated me well on more than one occasion. There was that one time in the summer of '05 when I wanted some extra "going out" money, so I sold my Family Guy DVD’s. Creepy buyer called me for 3 months straight asking me things that creepy people ask... I had to change my number. Well maybe that was a bad example of the good CL has brought me. Hmmm.. Well, there was also the time when my long distance boyfriend and I broke up so I sold my webcam, I bought it for $60 and sold it to creepy guy #2 for $75, I was pretty excited and the sale was totally worth the 100's of XXX rated emails I recieved from creepy guy #2 for the next year and a half.

Most people are repulsed by the graphic posts, such like “guy with 9inch penis who seeks place to put it”, but you know, I say kudos to you “guy with 9inch penis who seeks place to put it”!!! At least you are being honest! What I do not give kudos to is being sent to a fake interview where I show up and they put me in some weird room with 10 weird people, make me watch a 2 hour "company" video and then proceed to initiate me into their cult.. THAT’S what I do not like… At least if I would have responded to “guy with 9inch penis who seeks place to put it”, I would have known what I was getting into.

Now that I am no longer on the ultimate job hunt (Woo Hoo!), the ultimate apartment hunt has been occupying my time (*sigh* it's always something). Apartment hunting on Craigslist is just about as bad as the job hunting on Craigslist. Here are my main issues: First of all, NO PICTURES, really?!?! IT’S REAL ESTATE, show me some damn pictures so I don’t waste my gas driving to your shithole apartment that you claimed was “recently updated and really cozy”- IT’S A GARAGE WITH CARDBOARD OVER THE DOOR!! If you would have just said it was where you used to park your car, or HAD A PICTURE I would have known and I wouldn’t have spent the afternoon angry and out of gas. Second of all, when I put “$1500” as my desired price, do not try and trick me with “$1500” in the headline and then when I click on you it states “$1500 a week!!!!”- A) That’s not a steal and B) You don’t think I am going to notice that I am actually paying quadruple the amount of rent I intended?! I’ll just be all like “oh, you want more money- here rape my wallet, apparently I just throw money around" And last of all, do not tease me with “Downtown loft $489 a month!” and show me some awesome picture of a sky rise I would give my first born to live in (literally, I would have to give my up first born – have you seen how tiny those places are?). I know it’s not really $489 a month, you can’t rent a parking spot in CA for $489 a month. So what are you? Are you bored and just taking pictures of really nice lofts to trick people? If so, tricking them into what? (People kill over things like that, so you better watch yourself). OR are you really in collaboration with the Craigslist fake job postings and this is just another avenue for you to lure me into your cult?

Either way,

All I really want is a nice place to put my things at night so no one steals them when I sleep. So all I really ask community of Craigslist is this, Just be real.

Because either you are or you’re not.

btw: I google imaged "being tricked into a cult" and this is what I got. You're welcome:

Some Mush Mash... (eh shit, it happens:)

What is success to you? Success to me is being able to tell your grandchildren a really great story. Something moving, something real, and something passionate... Not just that you have sold 15,000 machines that can copy paper images onto other paper images, or that you've done every single thing that your boss has ever delegated to you; but that you have thought outside the box, leaped without knowing you'd land on something soft, and took a risk knowing that only the greater risks reaped the greatest rewards... "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty well preserved body, but rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “WOW, What a ride!”

I hope we all get to wake up and do something pretty damn cool tomorrow.

Chickens and Eggs

I think my female doctor is worried that I may be running out of baby eggs... Which worries me that I may be running out of baby eggs. I mean, I definitely do not want babies right this minute (hell, I'm still trying to support our free-loading cat) but I would at least like the option of babies some day...

Maybe my dad really does have a point when he constantly is reminding me that I am no longer a "Spring Chicken" (I'm not even quite sure what that means, do spring chickens become undesirable after they reach a certain age?) I'm not sure, but he says that to me A LOT. Maybe I should freeze my baby eggs just in case something goes down, and the world decides they need my offspring for something world changing. Like curing stupid. But then that would piss me off because I would have had to live among idiots my whole life and I'd be like "Oh NOW people do shit that makes sense... Awesome."

Anyways, so I will keep this short because I have to go to the store and buy vitamins that will some how "preserve" my baby eggs or something like that, I kinda stopped listening to my doctor right after she got all judgmental on me.

Hmmm... I bet this is yet another conspiracy Target has to get me in there to buy a bunch of shit I don't need.

Or possibly folic acid sales are down.

OR... I bet she talked to my dad.

To the Bitch at Blockbuster

Ok, you aren't really a bitch. You are actually really sweet and very helpful at times. I assume though, that this is all a cover up, and really you have a conspiracy with the restaurant down the street that always screws up my "to go" order. Combined, the two of you use your powers of food and entertainment against my weaknesses of food and entertainment to see how many of my nights you can single handedly ruin. It's bad enough that I am spending yet another night behind the TV, and yeah, maybe I should get out of my PJ's to come visit your store. But let's be honest, Im at blockbuster for a reason... And it's not because I am feeling exceptionally motivated that day. Anyways...
To the Bitch at Blockbuster:
PLEASE STOP WITH THE MOVIE SPOILERS!! Seriously, wtf do you have against me and my love for facebook status induced movie choices! You are all Judgy McJudgerson every time I check out. I get social anxiety just walking into the store to pick out my movie of the night thanks to you...
You: Oooooooooh.... You are going to watch THAT movie tonight?
Me: Ummm.... Apparetly I am. I just over paid you for it.
You: Oooooooooh... Well, it's not that great, I mean, I watched it and it had really bad acting, buuuut maybe YOU will like it. Good luck!
Me to myself: [You are lucky I am too lazy to sign up for Netfix bitch]

This is not the first time your antics have spoiled my viewing pleasure. There was 500 Days of Summer where you told me the ending and Paper Heart where you told me the ending and Perfect Getaway where you also told me the ending... I HATE YOU.
I am going to get a job at your favorite restaurant and right after you eat your meal I'm going to be all like " Oooooooooh you ATE the glazed duck?? Why you hate animals so much?!" and you are going to be like "Who are you?" and I'm going to be all like "Don't worry I am here to help" and you are going to be like "Why are you sitting at my table?" and I'm going to be all like "Shit, you ate the goat cheese salad too? You know it causes premature hair loss!" and you are going to be like "Excuse me, my husband and I are trying to enjoy our dessert, PLEASE leave our table" and Im going to be all like "WELL ENJOY THE DESSERT BITCH, CAUSE I POISONED IT! NOW STOP RUINING MY MOVIE NIGHTS!" And then I am going to stab you with your fork so we're even.

Love..........Dad

I apologize to any readers that have not had the opportunity to meet my father. The only thing you really need to know about him for backstory is this: He is Malaysian, he has an accent, he is hilarious and he wears a Scottish kilt and bagpipes in a band. I will write a non-dad related blog later on. But for those of you that do know Larry, enjoy!

This all started when I was telling my sister about how I think our father may have accidently set his email signature as “Love...........Dad”. And maybe we should make sure that he hasn't been sending out his work emails ending in “Love.........Dad”.

A day later she got this:

[Please insert Malaysian accent]

Stephanie,
 
I mailed your stuff last night from UPS. They said it should be there in San Diego by Monday.
 
Here is the tracking number:1z291X9903
 
Love you..........Dad.

So, I wanted to see if his “.......” were consistent; and this is what I found:

Lorraine,
Here is your reservation.
Love.............Dad

The following emails are about me sending my dad out to find the Louie bag I want in Thailand. The trend of his emails continue... I think they are amazing. Also, he is yelling at me because I flooded his email with a dozen or so pictures of the EXACT bag I want... (I can’t help that I am a girl that knows exactly what she wants!) He apparently did not find the abundance of pictures humoring.

Lorraine,
I got it. Will try to find one.
Love...........Dad.

Lorraine,
I seen enough of the bag you want. Hope I can find it here. I am now in Changi Airport in Singapore. The time is now 2:00am My flight leave at 9:00am for Kuala Lumpur. I have over 9 hours layover. It's been a very long flight from Pittsburgh.
I love you.............Dad.

Lorraine,
Finally made it to Penang. Uncle Kenny and Aunt Kathy are here. Uncle George will be here by Thursday since he missed his flight on Saturday to fly here with me. Will keep you posted on your bag.
Love.............Dad.

Hey! Girls,

See if these are the purses you like. Please choose the one you like.
Lorraine, the guy said that he will have the bucket purse by tomorrow.
Let me know ASAP.

Love.............Dad.

Lorraine,

Aunt Kathy is here. She is the one who picked out the purses. She know the quality and she said it looked and feel very good. Do you wear watches? They have designer watches like Rolex, Omega, etc. They looked good. I have bought a few for myself yesterday at the market. So far, I have done nothing but eat, eat, and eat. Every night we have been invited out to dinner and eating all the delicious local foods. Your Aunt Kathy has been trying everything too. So far we have ben lucky, no stomach problem.

Will keep you posted.
Love.................Dad.

Lorraine,

It's not me. Uncle Kenny and Aunt Kathy are the shoppers. I got the Louie Vitton handbags. You guys will have to pick out which ones you like.

Having fun so far. Aunt Kathy is going home on Sunday. We will be doing more eating and eating. It seems that is all I have done since I got here other than shopping. I am not complaining, the food are great and so cheap.

Uncle George made it today. He is with his mom and Dad now but will be at the hotel soon. I can't wait. Just kidding. I will have to hear his bitching for the next few days. Uncle Kenny's girlfriend is coming in tonight too. We are all anxiously waiting to see and meet her. She is from Thailand.

Love.............Dad

You get the point.

Rain in San Diego

I love the rain. I speak highly of the limited downpours here in Southern California mainly because I am so spoiled with perfect San Diego weather, that I actually get excited when it rains. Its something different. I get even more excited when it thunders ("thunders" is a word, right?). But my enthusiasm (and urge to immediately build a porch swing) quickly plummets as I realize that the glorifying sound of thunder I thought I heard, was actually our garbage man clearing out all the dumpsters on my street. Hmmm... Whatever. I am sure I wasnt the only one that made that mistake today. This is also coming from a girl that thought she heard a baby being abused outside her window every night for a week, when in fact, it was just a male cat trying to court our female cat. Surprisingly, those two things sound eerily familiar. So make sure you check into any situation throughly before calling child services.

Oh well, live and learn I guess.


PS: I tried to google image a picture of "rain in San Diego" since outside my window is just someone else's window, and this is what I got: So... Enjoy!

The F-word and Ninja's

As a new blogger, I must say it's not easy to stay focused and consistent. I wanted an "overall" theme, but my entries seem to be all over the board. So, maybe I should change my "theme" or have no theme at all, and just leave people saying "Wait, what is her blog even about?" after they read it. At least that way I keep expectations low and I have free range to write about whatever has my mind boggled that day (which can be any number of things). I'm consistently mind boggled as to how "lefty loosey, righty tighty" really works; because to me, no matter how you are turning it, depending on where you are standing in comparison to hand placement, you could be turning it in either one of those directions. I also don't get how drinking upside down cures hiccups or if global warming really does or does not exist. But this could go on and on, I am easily perplexed and being inquisitive by nature leaves me with a lot of burning questions... Most very relevant to human survival and osmosis.

Anyways, I was reading a phenomenal blog today by the Bloggess and her over all theme was "The F-word and Ninja's". Which surprisingly has a magical ring to it. So, now I know why why she has 275,500 followers and I have 12. It's all about the theme.

Shake Free

I can't help but post this... Its a motto I live by and it says a lot about the things we think are important, but really are not even specs in this crazy wonderful world we live in!!

"The last place you'd find most people is where they are. Most of us spend our lives thinking about what's next, who I'm going to meet, who I'm going to be when I get married, skinny, rich, famous. You know, life is what happens while we're busy making other plans.

But life doesn't happen in the future - or the past. It happens right here, right now. That's why it's important to start each day wherever you are.

Today, shake yourself free of any expectation of arriving. Encourage yourself to be fully in the moment-to enjoy your transformations and to seek out new obstacles. Sink your teeth into the endless dessert that life is serving up every moment of the day."

Does luck exist?

If it does, I am going to go ahead and accept that I am not lucky by nature, by nurture, science, or any other way for one to be deemed "lucky". I kind of always knew I was unlucky; I always got the short straw, I never won at bingo, and my parents kept having more kids (kidding, I love my siblings:). However, I feel I would have gotten a lot more presents at Christmas if I didnt have to share the spotlight.
I did cheat at bingo once as a kid, yeah pathetic I know, but I really wanted a piece of candy. The worst part was that I didnt even feel bad for cheating, which was just a foreshadow of my life, showing me that I would do just about anything for a piece of candy.
Anyways, its quite simple really; just write down the numbers as they are called, yell "BINGO" and then read off the numbers you wrote down. I mean, who is going to question a second grader anyways? No one could possibly want a piece of Bit O’ Honey that bad... Apparently I did.
Does luck exist? If I could define luck, I would say that it is an emotion that someone places on a particular situation where someone "receives" a better outcome or opportunity than another person of equal ground. Luck pisses me off, mainly because I do not get to experience it... I believe in luck though, because if I didnt believe in luck then I wouldn't understand why some lazy idiot would get a promotion before me or why that 24 year old down the street won 46 million from our local 7 Eleven Mega Millions and I just ended up spending 5 more bucks on my 12 pack to contribute to his winnings. Complete Bullshit. Some like to argue though that luck does not exist, it's just a mere coincidence that some people are just given better opportunities than others. Why not just call "a mere coincidence that some people are just given better opportunities than others" luck and stop arguing... Im too tired to argue, I am still bitter about that 46 million... And bingo.

Baby, please hand over the scissors NOW

You always hear "Don't drink and drive" Don't drink and text"... Try this one on for change, DONT DRINK AND CUT YOUR OWN HAIR. I experienced this a few weeks ago, after a few glasses of Pinot Noir and a shot of vodka (Hey, no judging. It was a Wednesday). Anyways, long story short, I had split ends... And if anyone knows me well, they know I can be a tad bit neurotic at times... With that said, this night I must have hit my spilt end limit, so I took matters into my own hands (literally). And well... Now I look like a 13 year old Chinese boy with a bad bowl cut (no offense to 13 year old Chinese boys with bad bowl cuts) So for future reference: Never drink and cut your own hair.

Productivity

So here I am again, it’s my first Monday back to work in 2010 (exciting stuff, I know). I am going back and forth on what I should be doing to make myself look most productive today… Since banning Facebook at work, I have had to be very creative with my time online during the day. Yes, I could be working harder, but I am a firm believer in working smarter not harder. If you do things right the first time, you shouldn’t need to work harder. But being “productive” in the eyes of corporate is very different than actually working smart. If I can get done in 5 hours what they want me to get done in 8, why must I “fill” those last 3 hours doing anything as long as I am at my desk “looking” productive… I owe a lot of my “productivity” to gchat in this case. None of this makes real sense to me, sitting in this 5 x 6 cubicle pretending like its an office makes to sense to me either… I guess now I know why I haven’t been promoted.

I know, I know… “Things could be worse”, but why should I have to lower my standards of what I find satisfying just because I know that I COULD be starving in some third world country right now, rather than sitting here in my work box eating oatmeal that tastes like wet dog food. Of course things could always be worse, why do we even accept this as a train of thought?? Do we go up to terminally ill children in ICU and say “Stop complaining about the pain, it could be worse! Little Timmy next door just died”… How about trying this outlook, “Things could be way better than this shit, so get out there and do something about it already!”… Personally, that’s way more motivating.

Two things you should never cook in the office:
Popcorn and Bacon… It’s just bad business people.

Presents from HR

After being out of work for a week due to horrendous chronic migraines (ironically caused by work) I came to my desk to find that HR had kindly given me a chocolate santa for Christmas. My first thought was, "awesome, this will be going straight to my ass" and my second thought was, "one bite can't hurt though, right?". So I unwrapped chocolate santa like there was going to be gold inside, took one bite and swoosh, in the trash! As I turned back to my computer, with my mouth full of chocolaty goodness, I started to realize that this was no regular chocolate santa, THIS, this was in fact chocolate peanut butter santa! Well, this changes everything.
Instantly I was knee deep in the trash... Because no one, NO ONE should ever throw away Santa.